It has been so long since I have blogged, I don't even know where to begin. There are many updates to be done about all the cool (albeit sometimes naughty) things Soren is doing and so many fun pictures to add. But right now, what brings me back to this space is a need to express myself and my current experience as a single mom. I got into blogging initially because of the need for an outlet to express my highs and lows of life as a graduate student, social worker, and infertility warrior, and today, that is what brings me back.
Folks, I am exhausted. I know every parent finds themselves in a place of exhaustion frequently, so I may sound like a broken record. What I do know, is that right now, I feel spent. Done. Want to sleep for a long long time.
I am tired of having to "share" my child with someone who often makes my blood boil (though much less than in the past), even though I know my child needs his dad as much as he needs his mom. I am tired of having to compromise at every turn. I am tired of keeping my cool to be the best co-parent I can, even when all I want to do is yell some choice words to say how I really feel. I am tired of having to tell Soren on Fridays at preschool drop-off that I won't see him until Monday; it makes me tired thinking about when he will start to actually realize what this means and the challenges this will face in the near future. I am tired of feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt about how I spend the little time that I do have with him. I am tired of having to juggle working extra to advance in my career while knowing I am sacrificing the little time I do have with Soren. I am tired of constantly analyzing if I'm oversensitive, not sensitive enough, overindulgent, or too strict. I am tired of worrying about the future and what it holds as our divorce proceedings occur.
I didn't envision this, I didn't ask for this. It has been one year and one week since he left, and as much as I have grown and spread my wings, lately I want to retreat. I am exhausted.
