Birth Story, Part II

See Birth Story, Part I here

I should mention a few more things I remember up until I was whisked away to delivery. Up until we were admitted to the hospital, I never really took thought in the fact that sometimes labor and delivery can be a life or death situation. My husband was so freakin' nervous about this from the very beginning of pregnancy, but I was the strong one saying that his ideas were irrational and gave him the statistics. That was, until I found myself feeling on-the-verge. It's hard to describe and some may think I'm over reacting, but I remember feeling so sick, that the thought had crossed my mind. And that I wasn't going to go into the c-section without saying what I needed to say. Hubby didn't know this at the time, but right before they took me to the OR, I remember calling my mom to my bedside and whispering to her, "If anything happens, please take care of Brian and my baby" through tears and shakes. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it. It's not a conversation I wish on anyone.

Alright, so back to the delivery. They wheel my bed into the OR, there's a bunch of nurses and doctors working and prepping. At that point I was in survival mode so I had no time to be afraid. I just did what I had to. They had me sit up on the edge of my bed, and started the spinal. It honestly was the easiest part of the whole deal, it stung for maybe a second, and placing it was quick. Then they had me lay down, and lifted me onto the operating table, which btw was skinny as heck. If I could move even an inch I would have rolled off. I also remember the air in the room being very...pure. It's hard to describe, but I definitely remember the air being different. A couple minutes after the spinal was placed I stopped shaking. It was the best feeling ever. I remember starting to feel cold, so my A-team nurse gave me a warm blanket, and rubbed my forehead...he was seriously the best! I began to feel nauseous too and so they laid a little basin beside my head, but I kept worrying what I would do if I vomited...just turn my head and hope to the high heavens that I don't choke on it. Lucky for me, I didn't vomit. I kept asking where Brian was, and when he would be there, I was worried about how he would handle the environment given he has a needle and blood phobia. I remember the nurses and doctors talking about some ridiculous tv show as they're preparing and performing the surgery. So bizarre. Anyways, Brian finally comes in after what seems like an eternity, and seeing him all dressed in his surgical attire was quite the sight. He sat next to my head and they began. We were pretty quiet, I kept waiting to hear my son cry and apparently it takes longer than I thought to get to that point. Finally, I remember hearing him cry, a very gurgely (is that a word???) cry, and the nurses and dr's saying "Happy birthday Soren!". Then they said "Ooop, we've got a pee'er"....yup, that's right, my son peed on me right when they pulled him out.

They brought him over to the warming table and Brian went over there to meet him. They weighed him, put clothes on him, and eventually Brian brought him over to me for a quick kiss and a picture, then took him to the NICU.

And then I was all alone. It seemed like in a flash he was there, and then he was gone. I really didn't even get a good look at his face. I didn't get to hold him. I couldn't touch his face. I just remember him crying and me saying "momma's here, momma's here". And then he was gone. And my husband was gone. I knew Brian had to go with him, I wanted him to. But I didn't want to feel so alone.




They took FOREVER to stitch me up and get me back into my room. But shortly after they left, my body needed sleep. Per hospital policy, no one was allowed in my room for an hour following recovery as I was being monitored. I don't remember much but I remember being awake and asleep, and when I woke up, I wanted to know where my family was. I think that hour went quick, because not too long after, my mom was in the room talking about how beautiful he was. She said that his blood sugars were low so they were feeding him formula. Hearing that news, well it hurt. Where was the nursing right after delivery that I dreamed about? Where was my experience of him being placed on my belly and me putting him right to my breast? I wanted him in my room as soon as possible so I could nurse him; I knew how important it was to get our breastfeeding adventures off on the right foot. I just kept saying "okay" and I was still in survival mode for him, I wanted him to be taken care of.





Tami, our birth photographer, came back to the room, and bless her heart, showed me pictures and videos of him. She gave me a full report on how he was doing, and said he was showing some signs of retraction while breathing, but that he was starting to get better and they were just keeping a close eye on him. She was so supportive, I needed her there more than I ever imagined. I began to feel more like a 'mom' when Tami showed me the pictures of my son. I saw videos of Brian talking to Soren and holding his hand and it instantly melted my heart. When she came back, my mom was able to go see him for the first time, since they have a 2-visitor limit per baby in the NICU. Tami was my advocate throughout the whole process. She made sure the NICU nurses knew I intended to breastfeed and continued to check in to see if we could get him to my breast as soon as possible.

Brian came back for a quick swig of Mt.Dew ;-) and gave me a kiss, then left again. I wanted him to be with Soren, but also felt like I needed him too. I was blessed to have Tami and my mom there with me, I just felt 'left-out' that others were getting time with my baby and I wasn't. After what seemed like an eternity (4 hours after delivery), Soren's NICU nurse paged my nurse and asked "Is momma feeling up to some skin-to-skin time with her baby?"...I answered "YES!!!!" on behalf of my nurse ;-). The nurses laughed. I was able to switch bras so I could try to nurse him, and sit up for the first time in my bed. I was SO EXCITED and ANXIOUS to finally meet my baby. I remember hearing him crying in the hallways, and instantly knew that was my baby.

It was so instinctive, and so amazing that after only hearing him cry that short time in the OR, that I was able to distinguish my baby's cry. They wheeled him in my room and I started crying, "My baby, my baby".

They handed me to him and I just held him tight and sobbed.

Finally, the miracle I had tried so long for, was finally in my arms.

He felt so right. So perfect. So tiny.

I didn't even really look at his face, I just held him tight and cried.

It was no-doubt the best experience in my life. Soren opened his eyes for the first time when he was in my arms.

He waited for his mommy, daddy, and him to be together before he showed off his beautiful eyes.

I just smelled him, and kissed him. I will never forget what that moment felt like.

I was excited to nurse him, but he was so sleepy, he wasn't really cooperating.



I was okay with that, I just wanted him in my arms. I was thrilled to discover that he was going to be able to stay in my room, and not have to go back to the NICU. Shortly after they brought him in, Brian's parents arrived and were able to hold him. I was in-and-out of sleep, so most of that was a blur.

As far as my health went, it would be the start of lengthy recovery. Pain wise, I felt nothing, really. They had me on a self-administered Morphine pump for the first 24 hours, which was nice. I was nauseous from that and the Mag and vomited a few times. They checked my blood pressure shortly after delivery, and it had gone done almost to a normal reading. Finally. Sweet relief. But the OB and nurses knew that I my BP was only in the 'honeymoon' stage, and it would go back up. I was required to be on the Mag for 36 hours after his birth. My blood pressure did eventually go up again and my swelling was absolutely terrible. I was somewhat worried, but knew that we were on the mend, and that he was here safe and healthy.

Postpartum, and reflections part III coming soon

The Birth Story (Part I)...

... That no one wants to share.

I'm finally here, I'm finally writing this. I have been putting off writing this for so long not because I haven't had time, but because thinking about Soren's birth experience brings sadness and grief and loss for me. Before I share about the week that surrounded his birth, there are a few things I should mention. #1- Soren and I ended up being safe, which was and always will be our number 1 priority. #2- Although my experience took place at a Twin Cities hospital and my experience wasn't great, that doesn't mean it is reflective of the L&D ward of the hospital as a whole. #3- Sharing our birth story is very personal and by taking a risk in sharing it, I hope others who find themselves in similar situations will not feel alone. So, with that being said, let's begin...

Throughout my pregnancy I was termed "high-risk" due to my pre-existing high blood pressure and having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My pregnancy really went off without any gliches until the last month or so. I always prepared myself that I would have a good chance of developing pre-eclampsia. I knew there would be a risk of me needing a c-section. But considering things were going well, I prepared and hoped that I could attempt a natural childbirth. I read books, online forums, watched videos, all to prepare my mind and build up my confidence in being able to birth naturally. Brian and I bought massage balls, packed rice bags and heating pads, even downloaded hypnobabies tracks. We made it clear to our OB that we wanted me to be able to be up and moving during labor and use the tub; she was very supportive of this IF my blood pressure would be under control. I hoped and prayed that I could have the birth experience that I wanted, but I also prepared myself that there was a good chance it wouldn't be able to happen and I was going to be okay if it didn't, so long as him and I made it through safely. I knew one thing was for certain, however....I did NOT want a c-section. I was going to do anything and everything I possibly could to avoid having one. I feared how much it would impact the attachment process between Soren and I.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was being monitored more closely due to my blood pressure creeping up and protein starting to spill into my urine (indicative of pre-eclampsia). My blood pressure meds. were increased during pregnancy to try to stabilize my blood pressure. I visited L&D triage a few times due to my high blood pressure, but every time I went in, my blood pressure ended up checking out fine and I was sent home. At 34 weeks, my OB and I had a discussion about really just needing to make it to 36 weeks as he would be much healthier. At 35 weeks we discussed possibly starting to prepare my cervix for an induction the following week; we both agreed that it would be better to get him out sooner after 36 weeks then waiting for my blood pressure to sky-rocket causing a more emergency delivery situation. One day short of 36 weeks I went to my OB appt. and my blood pressure was getting higher and my protein had elevated to +2. Although delivery was not imminent by any means, it was time to start softening my cervix...or so I thought. After that appointment she sent us home to pack up our bags and wanted us to check into the hospital early that evening as she would be on-call that night and we could start doing cervidil suppository treatments. The problem with doing inductions earlier are that the cervix is still quite tough so starting Pitocin would do virtually nothing to change my cervix, therefore it was important to soften it first. That afternoon I went to acupuncture and we worked on alot of points that would help start labor. We called Brian's parents from Iowa and told them they better come up tomorrow because it would look like I would be having the baby that weekend some time.

When we arrived at the hospital, they did some labs and such before starting the cervidil. Low-and-behold all my labs came back perfect (even though they weren't perfect earlier that day), and my blood pressure was perfect also. My OB came in and we were faced with a dilemma. Because everything looked great, it wasn't in Soren's best interest to start working on an induction because the longer we could hold off, the better for him. I expressed my concern about waiting until my blood pressure did get bad then I would need to lay on my left side and would need much more meds. which isn't what I wanted. My OB really understood my point-of-view, but she consulted with all the other OBs in the practice and they all said to hold me off. So, we were sent home and I was back on bedrest. She wanted me to come in 3 days later (Sunday) to do a cervical gel, and then I should plan on going back into the hospital that following Thursday to start induction.

So Sunday I went in for the gel treatment, then was sent home with a warning that I may have some mild contractions. I had done alot of reading about the cervical treatments and many women had said that those alone jumpstarted labor so they didn't end up needing pitocin...I was wishing and hoping that I would be one of them! That late evening on Sunday I began to develop some contractions and got very excited. All that I had read about childbirth was to start moving to help labor progress. I started walking, doing some squats, took a bath, and my contractions picked up to happening every 3 minutes and last for approximately 1 minute. I called to have my mom come over to walk with me while hubby was at work. Hubby got home around 11:30pm and continued to walk with me. I noticed my contractions started picking up more and they were getting stronger. I decided to call L&D and see if they wanted me to come in. We went into the hospital triage and I got hooked up to the monitors and it appeared that I was having 'contractions' but that they were not changing my cervix at all and were only merely side-effects of the prostaglandin gel I received earlier that evening. When I told them I had been up moving around and working with my contractions, I was scolded as I was supposed to be on bed rest. It didn't really occur to me that I should stay on bedrest if I went into labor...all I knew, and all I had read, was that I should start moving around to help progress labor naturally.

Unfortunately, because I had been doing a bit of walking and such that evening, when they checked my blood pressure it was high... I believe 180s/90s. They put a call into the on-call OB from my clinic, and they decided to admit me and start doing more cervical treatments rather than wait until later that week. They also told me because of my high blood pressure, I was going to have to receive continuous magnesium sulfate through an IV to prevent seizures from the high blood pressure. I had heard scary stuff about "Mag" and I began to panic. I took some deep breaths and knew that I could get through that. They got me started and I was worried I might get the burning sensation many had talked about with it, but I luckily didn't. Whew. I told myself, I could handle it.That morning at 6am they placed a 12-hour Cervidil suppository to start 'ripening' my cervix. That whole day (Monday) I was tolerating the Mag pretty well. In fact, all the nurses were astonished at how well both Soren and I were doing on it, they had NEVER seen a patient or a baby react so well to it. Apparently Soren and I were known as the "Mag rockstars" among all the L&D nurses.

(Apparently not a typical "Mag" patient)

That evening at 6pm, they pulled out the Cervidil and checked my cervix and there had been no. change. I was getting really disappointed in how slow the process was going. The nurses and doctors kept saying it could take days to try and get my cervix ready to start Pitocin. I was getting very discouraged but kept moving forward knowing that at the end of all of it, I would hold my precious little miracle. They placed another 12-hour Cervidil and continued me on the Mag. They also told me I could no longer have anything by mouth, not even anything to drink. If my mouth got dry, I had to suck on a damp rag and spit any water out. I knew I was beginning on a slippery-slope downhill. My blood pressure was automatically getting checked every 15 minutes, and it hurt like heck since it had to pump up so high to get my high reading. I began telling myself, "if this could take days, there's no way I can go without eating anything, I'll have no strength". That evening and night the Mag was really starting to hit me. I couldn't look at the clock and read it. I felt so dazed, out-of-it, unaware. My stomach was in knots from being hungry. And they had me on an insane amount of IV fluids so I was up peeing every half-hour. While Brian was sleeping I was awake, and feeling my confidence and energy wearing thin. I began to tell myself that if I needed a c-section, I would be okay with it. I didn't know how I could possibly go into a Pitocin-induction feeling as ill as I was. The battle hadn't even begun and I was spent. At 6am they removed the Cervidil, checked my cervix, and there was still not a single. change. I was so done by that point. I knew that I needed to start to push to have a c-section and get it over with. I forgot to mention that since that Sunday evening when I went in, my BP progressively got worse. They kept giving me high-powered IV meds. to try and lower it, and by Tuesday morning, it was taking 3-4 doses at a time to get it down to a reasonable level. And every time it got high, I could have BP readings every 5 minutes. I had major bruises on my arms from how tight the cuff was getting.

Tuesday morning, I was sicker than a dog. I was extremely nauseous, shaky, and had a migraine from my high blood pressure. After the 6am Cervidil pull, the nurse said the OB would be in during morning rounds with a game plan of what they were going to try next to soften my cervix. Around 7am I started having uncontrollable shakes, pretty severe actually. I asked the nurse if she could help me go to the bathroom, and she hesitated, then leaned down and whispered to me that she couldn't let me get up as she was afraid I was going to have a seizure. I didn't know this at the time, but at that point my blood pressure was 220s/150s...dangerously high. I remember telling her "I think I need a c-section" in between full-body shakes. She responded, "Yes dear, I think you're going to need a c-section". Relief. Finally. She was an amazing nurse. While we waited for the on-call Dr. to get out of surgery to come talk to me during rounds, the nurse got the catheter in , had me sign a bunch of paperwork, and got everything ready so I could get into the surgical room when the Dr. was ready.

(I was as sick as I looked in this picture)

I remember time going super slowly, and I kept asking/begging for the dr. to come in. I knew by the way I was feeling that getting this baby out was becoming imminent. After what seemed like an eternity, she came down around 9am, and before I even let her speak, I said "I need a c-section". I think she was taken aback by that and replied "Well, let's hold on here, you have some options that I need to explain to you". I wasn't having it one. bit. As she was explaining our "options" I just kept thinking "shut up lady, we need to deliver this baby NOW" as I was continuing to shake uncontrollably. She said we could continue to try cervidil treatments, or we could start a new pill called "Cytotec". She even mentioned sending me. home. I mean, c'mon, seriously?!? She said continuing to prepare my cervix would take a couple of days. I tried to act like I was giving her options consideration, but by that point, there was no. way. in. HELL I was going to wait days to deliver this baby. After she got done talking, she looked at me and said, "Well, yeah, I think we'll do a c-section". THEN she started explaining the different incisions, and risks with both, and what I could expect, blah-di-blah-di-blah. The nurse asked what time she was available to do the c-section (my heart broke thinking about having to wait hours before surgery). She said there was no time that was going to be best for her, so we might as well do it then since the OR was open. After she left, I drank a NASTY substance to settle my stomach (seriously, there's no comparison to describing how nasty that was), but I didn't even care, I was in survival mode at that point. The "A-team" (aka anesthesiologist and team) came in and talked to me, read my chart, then I was whisked away.

(Right before I went in the OR)

To be continued...

Soren's Birth Video

Thank you SO much to Tami Tripp photography for her stunning work capturing some of our family's first moments!

Labor and Delivery: Take 1

Well if you caught my short text-to-blogger posts below, the plan for induction did not happen today. We went in for our appointment on Thursday knowing that induction would most likely happen this weekend. At our appt., my OB recommended I get started that afternoon with some cervical treatment in the hospital since she was on-call that evening, and would be in today but not over the weekend. She encouraged us to go home, finish packing our bags, and go into the hospital at 3:30. We came home, finished up some things including work stuff, emptying out the fridge, washing the sheets, etc. I went to acupuncture at noon for some work on induction, and after I got up off the acupuncture table, I instantly felt he dropped lower into my pelvis and had a Braxton-Hicks contraction. We went for a final last lunch just the 2 of us at Chili's, then headed over to the hospital. By that time we had told all of our friends, grandma and grandpa Johnson had made preparations to start the trek up from Iowa, everything was laid out perfect.

When we got into our room, our nurse had told us that first they were going to start off with some labwork, and then Dr. G would decide on the plan. We were a bit confused by this, as it seemed we had made a definite plan earlier at our appt. When they checked my blood pressure, it was picture perfect and the best it had ever been. The nurse even checked it while I was sitting up and it still was great! All my labs also came back great with the exception of the protein in my urine which remained at +3 and had not changed since last week. We were all shocked, to say the least. Dr. G came into our room to talk to us about our options and we both really struggled with where we would go from there. She had discussed my situation with 2 other OBs in the practice, and they both said without-a-doubt that they would push to get me to 37 weeks (a week away). She knew I hadn't been feeling well all week and feels attached to my case since I'm her patient. We discussed what would happen if I did develop Eclampsia and then would need Magnesium Sulfate and most likely a caesarean section. I was scared knowing that I could get sick real fast and would not be healthy going into a delivery. Dr. G really listened to my concerns and fears, and we both had to face a difficult decision. Eventually we decided that it would be best to hold off another week so Soren could grow and be even more healthy than he was.

The plan is to go back to Labor and Delivery on Sunday for a few hours for repeat blood draws, monitoring, and also get a cervical gel treatment, then be sent home. On Tuesday I will go into the clinic to get my cervix checked to see if there's been any changes, and may go back over to Labor and Delivery for another cervical treatment. Then on Thursday I will go to my already-scheduled ultrasound and OB appt. at the clinic, then I will go to L&D Thursday afternoon to start induction.

In keepin' it real, I will say I was frustrated and saddened that I would not be delivering my little guy this weekend. I felt emotionally and mentally ready going into it, all arrangements had been made, I was ready. We were all ready. I cried several times that evening. We never expected that we would be sent home. When I woke up this morning (after a great night's sleep, might I add), I felt at peace with the decision. If I can wait 3 years to have this little miracle, I can certainly wait another week. We all know it's what is best for him, and that's most important. 6.more.days. I can do this.