Life Lately

Life has been very busy lately, and as I sit typing this, I realize I forgot to write Soren's 8 month post...woops. Work has been very busy for me lately, I've been putting in overtime and picking up shifts. I was also asked by my supervisor to be part of a committee that looks at internal policies and procedures to find strengths and areas for improvement... her invitation reasoning was because I have been able to identify 'system issues' quickly and work to improve them...lol. Hey, anything to get some brownie points with the boss, eh? I am excited and see the invite as an indicator that I'm doing well and am valued.

Along with my work being busy, the hubs has been completing orientation and such with his new school and is gearing up for registration in a couple weeks here. We're still working on getting some things figured out for getting it funded. For now though, he is stay-at-home daddy and is doing a great job! I think initially the change was difficult for him, especially given he's had pretty much no experience working with infants. There were a few S.O.S. calls I got at work, but since then, we've come up with a good plan and so far it's been working. I think the biggest thing was that Soren was getting bored in this environment and likes to be out and have a change of scenery (just like his momma). Once we've figured that out, Brian has been taking him shopping, on walks, to the YMCA, etc., and this has helped immensely. It's so fun for me to watch this amazing attachment forming between the two of them:



The last month has been CRAZY with the amount of things Soren is learning to do! On March 17th (8 months, 12 days), Soren was being a huge stinker in the bedtime hours. After a couple minutes of letting him cry (after 1 hr. of trying everything else), I went in his bedroom, and found this:

He pulled up on his crib for the first time! The next night Brian lowered the crib. Now Soren's been pulling up on anything and everything. He also has an attraction to any kind of cord. Because of this, we've had to build a barracade-of-sort during the day:
We're really needing to buy some baby gates, but funds are tight, so this works in the meantime.
We're finding that now he's mobile, we're quickly outgrowing this space. We won't be buying a house for a couple years, so we'll have to see what we're going to do when our lease ends in December.

Soren is also now using his walker, and I will guess that in the next 1-2 months he will be a walker.



We have also graduated from his baby bathtub, to filling up our regular bathtub. We bought a non-slip mat to put down, and so far he is loving all the extra space and bigger splashes ;-).


On March 24th (8 months 19 days), Soren cut his first tooth on the bottom. He's been pathetic since then, but today I'm noticing a little bit better mood. Baby tylenol has been our friend lately :-).

There's so many more things to update about with his growth and development, but I'll have to save some things for his 9-month post. 9. months. Wow!

The "5-Year-Plan"

Since hubs is now laid-off, we've been thinking alot about our future and what it may hold. One of the perks of such a big layoff (if there is such a thing) is that his company received a grant for a displaced worker program that has funds attached to provide education, job training, etc. to those who want it. Hubs and I have had many discussions prior to this point in our lives about him possibly going back to school to earn a second major in something a bit more promising (music education... bad.idea.). So now the plan is for hubs to start a Bachelors in Computer Science this Summer which will likely be 2.5-3 years before he's finished. Hopefully he can find work in the meantime while going to school. Although we view this layoff as a setback in many ways, our future will hopefully look so much brighter because of it and the Hubs will hopefully have more self-worth doing something he's interested in for more than 'just a job' factor. So for now, a house, a second baby, it's all on the back burner. And I'm okay with that...we're okay with that. We have a tough couple of years ahead of us but we're trying to be 'glass-half-full' around here while also trying not to be naive like our younger years. To have hope again...it's an amazing thing.

Anger & Resentment

Prior to starting my job, Soren would get 1 bottle of formula a day, and the rest I was able to nurse/breastmilk bottle feed. Since starting my job, my supply has decreased terribly. I am now only able to do about 1/2 of his feeds with breastmilk, and this makes me so angry and resentful towards work. I know all jobs are stressful, but my position is insane, I don't even have time to take lunch breaks in order to get all my work done, heck, even finding time to go to the bathroom is difficult! I pump once at work, which gives me 2- 6 hour spans, and am only pumping 3 oz. This last weekend, I only pumped one bottle worth for the next day. I have every right to take my times to pump during the day, but finding the space is an issue. Every day I run around the building, wasting time, trying to find a space to pump. It's stressful, it's losing out on precious time to work, and it's aggravating when I can't find a place. I've even begun to notice that at night times I'm running out of milk and Soren gets fussy because he's not getting much (granted he shouldn't need to eat several times at night anyways). My goal was to make it to at least 1 year, and do baby-led weaning. I'm SO not ready to say goodbye to bf'ing, my heart breaks just thinking about it. I'm going to start back up my supplements 3 times a day, but I know that if I can't keep up with the pumping at work, it will be useless. For many people, formula is no big deal, but for me it just doesn't feel 'right'. Nursing is our special time together, I feel angry that work is (in a round-about way) taking that away.

Game-Changer

Before I became a parent, being a social worker was tough, but manageable. I enjoyed working with people and supporting them as they worked so hard to overcome so many barriers to reaching their goals. I heard terrible stories of events clients had to endure, and my heart hurt for them. But most days I was able to 'leave work at work'. I never once forgot about their stories, but I was able to turn off my brain and my hurt for them at the end of the day.

Since becoming a parent and recently starting my new position, I have come to realize that 'leaving work at work' is so much more difficult. The setting in which I work now is an inpatient child and adolescent psych. hospital, which is much more difficult in nature. But what I've noticed most is my heart hurting for both the children and parents. It's so hard for me to imagine having my kiddo brought to a psych. facility for an indefinite amount of time and not being able to hug or kiss them or tell them I love them whenever I would like to. It breaks my heart to even think about Soren being in such a dark place that he would want to hurt himself. I wish I could say that I could protect him from mental illness, but we all know that biology is biology, and that there is only so much nurturing I could do. It breaks my heart to see him smile and giggle and think about how these kids could have smiled and laughed as babies as Soren does now. To think about or see a child in a restraint or a seclusion room breaks my heart, knowing that they are someone's child.

Working on an inpatient psychiatric unit has definitely been a learning experience. One that leaves me questioning my ability to handle this nature of work. I can't say much, but a staff member was choked this weekend, and it was completely unprovoked. It took six staff members to get the patient off of the staff member, and the patient threatened to kill the staff person once they got out of the facility. This is not a single occurrence, this is happening often. Tonight I can't shake the thought wondering if that staff person would have been me. I am definitely being affected by hearing of the incident and I fear for my safety every time I step on the unit. Every time I step on the unit, I think of Soren. I'm just not sure this is where I'm supposed to be.

Things Lately

Lots has been going on around here this week and I've been too busy to sit and write until now. On Monday I started my job orientation, and have been doing that every day this week. I've been doing considerably well, although I did have teary moment on Sunday and last night. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything, making new routines, and remembering everything. I have temporarily lost many things this week, including my name badge on only the third day! Luckily it was recovered at church. I think the change in routine has somewhat been affecting Soren, though not in any terrible way. The first day he wouldn't take a nap for daddy until the late afternoon while in the grocery store...Brian said he had a sad, sullen, defeated look on his face while shopping then finally fell asleep. He's been going to bed around 9:30-10 and every morning this week has woken up at 6:00 to eat! I need to get up around 6:15-6:30 so this has been working out perfectly. After he wakes up to eat, I bring him into our bed and nurse him, then keep him laying in our bed after he dozes off again and I get up and get ready. Then he wakes up again from 7-7:30 and Brian gives him a small bottle and he'll go back down until 9-9:30. It's working out pretty slick, I hope it stays that way. He's my little alarm clock, and I LOVE being able to nurse and cuddle him for a little bit before I have to go to work.

When I leave in the morning, I wear my pumping bra and pump in the car on the way to work. Sounds crazy I know, but no one would ever really know and it's a nice, efficient way to use my 45-minute drive time. While at work I pump once during my lunch break, then after work I will either feed him or pump right away. Not gonna lie, the girls are a hurting unit waiting that long, but it's what's feasible right now. It's a pain in the arse to pump, remember the parts, cut my lunch break short, but it also feels good knowing I'm providing for him even when we're apart.

Brian has been a rock star, despite a bit of a jump-in-head-first approach. It's been a new learning and adjustment period for us all. It's not easy giving up sole care and control of Soren but he's been handling it well and I have become more flexible and supportive. I honestly think working part-time is going to make me a better mother. Before I started, we just went about our routine; now I love coming home and squeezing and cuddling him, and playing whenever we get the chance. I love how he gets a HUGE smile when I get home. I also am starting to really enjoy nursing more...like I said, before it was just part of our routine, but now I am really cherishing that closeness I feel with him... I think he likes it too as it's often one of the first things he wants to do when I get home ;-). It sure beats pumping, that's for sure!

Well, I think that's it for now, I need to hit the sack but I'll update more this weekend. We managed to take some Christmas pics, so I need to design our cards here soon and find the time to mail them out...eeek!

Anxiety

The thought of me starting work in five days is overwhelming, and I'm really starting to freak out. Before I had a child, I saw new parents' reluctance and fear of leaving their child as normal, and understandable and that everything would be okay. I wish the old self could talk some sense into my new self. Let's start off with some things that I am anxious about:

1. Sleep. Right now Soren goes to sleep around 10, and I usually stay up for a couple hours afterwards. I am attempting to get myself to sleep by 11 now, but that gives me one hour to get everything I need to get done before he goes to bed. Then he wakes up at 4ish to eat, then nurses and sleeps every hour after that. That's a 5-hour stretch folks. And I will be needing to wake up at 6am every morning to be out the door by 7. I could try and get him to sleep earlier, but changing a baby's nighttime sleep habits is no easy task. I REALLY need to figure out how to get him to go back to sleep after his 4am feed and stay asleep for at least another 3 hours. What I would REALLY REALLY like is to know how to keep him asleep for the entire night without that 4am feed. But baby steps, baby steps.

2. Morning routine. I have always been one to roll out of bed, wash my hair in the sink (or shower the night before), and be out the door in 15 minutes, if it meant I had more time to sleep. Long-gone are those days it seems. After meeting with the Lactation consultant, we think I need to pump in the morning before leaving. And shower. And eat breakfast. And get ready. Thank the high heavens I don't have to add getting Soren ready on top of that. People do it all the time, yes, but this is still a big transition for me. I am a night-owl by nature, and have never been an early-morning person.

3. Preparing caregivers. Does the fact that I want to type up a "Soren's quirks tip sheet" for our caregivers make me sound like a crazy lady? Seriously, I am considering it. Things that would be on it are how to heat up breastmilk, how much, his sleep and eating patterns, how to do cloth diapers, how to get him to sleep, etc. What do you think? Silly or Genius?

4. Pumping at work. Uffda. Sounds so simple, but there's so much planning involved. Like what kind of professional clothes can I wear to allow me to wear my hands free pump bandeau bra? Where will I pump? Where will I store the milk? Will I have the time to pump? Will I make enough milk? Will I continue to be able to make enough milk? I am committed to doing it, the question is, how?

5. Food. Oh boy, meal-planning. Need to go grocery shopping and try and remind myself of all the convenient on-the-go breakfast items, things I can bring for lunch, easy dinners, etc.

I have to admit, typing this out did help decrease my anxiety some, which is good. Seriously if you have any words of advice, encouragement, etc., please leave a comment. My head is spinning and I'm emotional about leaving him on top of everything else.

Breastfeeding & Reflux Updates

I feel like it's been awhile since I updated on how our breastfeeding adventures are going. Looking back, getting started was a little overwhelming, especially given his weight drop and reflux/aspiration issues. Once we got over that initial bump, things started going much more smoothly. I can't say he is exclusively breastfed due to his night-time thickened formula feed, but I can say that we do our best to nurse for all the other feedings. Sometimes, formula is more convenient. However, it's only more convenient if I hadn't planned ahead. Now I stocked up my parent's freezer with some frozen BM so that whenever we are over there, we only have to run the bag under some hot running water. It takes probably 3 mins. longer to get it ready, but if we can distract him it's really not a big deal. While at my parent's we only do bottles if it seems like my supply is running low. He will continue to pull off and go back on but gets frustrated, and I can feel my breasts are not full. I really need to drink more water, I think that is my main issue. Whenever I sense a drop in my supply I just take my Mother's Milk Special Blend capsules for a few days and my supply jumps back up. Since Soren is going to bed around 9:30, and I don't hit the sack until midnight, I always pump before going to bed. I will usually get anywhere from 4-7oz., so I will have a bottle's worth of BM in the fridge for the next couple of days if we are going anywhere. I also feel like I have gotten much more comfortable nursing in public when I need to. Overall, things have been going well for us and I think it's because I kept putting in the extra effort to make sure that we succeed. It definitely is easy to just say 'forget about it' and take the formula route, but I'm sure glad I kept fighting and seeking help and support whenever I needed it.

Currently Soren nurses less often in the morning and does alot of feeding in the late afternoon/evening, I'm guessing it's what also helps him sleep longer stretches at night. When he wakes up after his long stretch at night (usually between 4-6am), he'll nurse for a little bit in bed with me then go back to sleep for another 2-3 hours. After he wakes up from that he keeps nursing for a bit, then back to sleep, every hour. I usually can get him to sleep a little longer in the morning when we do that for my own sanity, but soon that will be put to halt.

We are entering a couple new stages simultaneously in our breastfeeding adventures now which will make things more interesting. Soren is exhibiting alot of 'teething behavior' as the pediatrician likes to call it. Just 2 days ago he's been starting to bite down on my nipple at the end of a feeding, and it hurts in big ways. He doesn't have teeth yet, but it still makes me jump. Tonight I broke his latch when he did it and spoke firmly to him saying "no biting momma"...and he smiled and laughed. Little stinker! I have no idea how to break him of this habit, I can't imagine how bad it will hurt once he does get teeth! I notice he'll only do it towards the end of a feeding so maybe once he's starting to get 'bored'.

In a little over month we will be starting solids with him which will definitely be changing up his eating schedule. In the beginning he's more-or-less just learning how to eat from a spoon and it's not necessarily for nutritional purposes. We've already given him little licks of my mom's homemade (unsweetened) applesauce and let him gum the tip of a banana. He definitely is becoming more interested in food and when he sees people eating food he watches with curiosity. I think he's going to be a great little eater once he does start!

Also, now that I will be returning to work, I will need to somehow fit pumping sessions into my work schedule. I have talked to the HR rep. and she said there's many private meeting rooms that I could use and that other employees have needed to pump during the work day as well. She seemed supportive of it, hopefully I'll get a similar response from my co-workers. I am hoping I can get by with 2 pumping sessions during an 8-hour workday. I'm really going to need to implement taking in lots of water during my workday and will probably start the Mother's Milk Special Blend capsules as well to ensure that I am pumping enough so he has enough to eat the next day. One thing we *MAY* try implementing is what's called 'reverse-cycling', where he basically eats little during the day, but then power feeds in the evening and at night while we're together. Some babies do this naturally because they prefer breastfeeding over a bottle. We'll see how things go, I'm not necessarily going to push it because the thought of him not eating when he wants to breaks my heart.

As far as the reflux goes, I think we may have turned the corner. I'm not sure whether it's due to his medicine staying down now with his thickened feed, he's growing out of it, or my elimination of caffeine (most days, there is still occasional intake here-and-there). He does still spit-up but nothing like he used to. I also have become smarter and know when to expect now too. In the morning it's usually worse because he's been feeding laying down in bed with me. After he's been laying down any time during the day, and you pick him up, I usually am prepared. Also after a longer nursing session I expect it. But then there's the occasional time he'll catch me off guard like when I got home from running an errand and daddy handed him to me and as I went to kiss him he spewed all over my chin and down my chest and stomach. Many times he laughs afterwards, so I can't help but smile, find a burp rag and wipe myself off, and change my clothes if needed.

Soren is still occasionally aspirating, but most of the time it's only when he's nursing. I have a forceful let-down and I think it gets difficult for him to handle it. He'll pull off and cough (meanwhile I am probably spraying him in the face), gain his composure, then hop right back on. I'm glad we are continuing with his nebulizer since he is still aspirating. *Knock on wood* he hasn't been sick yet, hopefully we can continue to keep him healthy through the Winter.

Well I think that's it for now, I'll be sure to update as we start our new changes. Let me know if you have any questions or tips!

Coming down

I am coming down off of my 'yay-I-have-a-job-our-future-looks-so-bright' high, and as I begin to plan for all the changes that will be occurring, I am beginning to feel a sense of loss. I am so very thankful that I will be working in a job that I will (hopefully) love; that makes leaving Soren a little easier. But as I begin to think about our new reality, my heart begins to break. It seems like we have just now fallen into a routine that works for us, and it will be abruptly disturbed.

The first week I start, I will be working 7 days straight for training. Then a bunch more. There will not be an easy transition period for us. I will wake up, get ready, go out the door, work, pick him up from one of 10-said babysitters, go home, cook dinner, and try to get him to bed shortly after. No more daytime cuddles, walks, swimming pools, nursing sessions, giggles, etc. My head spins and heart aches thinking of all the little things like who will take care of him, how can I teach them his quirks, how will anyone know how to meet his needs like I do? I don't even fully know if he has fallen into a typical afternoon nap and eating schedule, so how will I convey that to others? I am anxious about how I will be able to pump at a new job, how will I advocate for myself to get the time that I need to do so without starting off with a bad 'reputation'? My husband will be taking on a lot more of the caretaker duties now (which in all reality will be a good thing), but then I wonder if he knows just how much of a change to expect.

And then it will all change. December is going to be horrendous. It will be the busy season at my husband's job (he most likely prints all of your Shutterfly and Wal-mart holiday cards), and he will eventually need to work additional days. My schedule is going to be so crazy and sporadic as well. January should begin to feel calm once I have completed training and my husband goes back to his regular schedule.

I'm beginning to want to hold him tight and never let go. How do women do this? I know millions do it every single day, and they adjust, but how? How can I feel better knowing that others will be raising my son?

Bathtime Giggles and Exciting News!

Well, to start off with the exciting news, I was given a job offer today and I accepted! I will be working as a social worker at an inpatient psychiatric facility for children and teens. It is a permanent weekend position (Friday-Sunday), 8-4:30. Although working the weekends will have its drawbacks, I am looking forward to not having to pay for childcare, and still get to spend Monday-Thursday at home with Soren! I will be leading two groups a day and also doing case management with the families. I am SUPER excited, it seems like a great place to work and has great pay and benefits! It will also allow me to work towards my clinical licensure so I can someday be an independent therapist! I start December 5th. It will definitely be a new transition and figuring out who can take care of Soren and when makes my head spin already, but it will all get figured out; I am very blessed to have so many supportive people in my life who are willing to watch him (and free-of-charge is always a bonus too ;-).

I thought I'd throw in this video of Soren's bathtime from tonight. The beginning is kinda slow (feel free to fast-forward to :55). I just LOVE his giggles, they totally melt my heart!