Life as a single mom latley

It has been so long since I have blogged, I don't even know where to begin. There are many updates to be done about all the cool (albeit sometimes naughty) things Soren is doing and so many fun pictures to add. But right now, what brings me back to this space is a need to express myself and my current experience as a single mom. I got into blogging initially because of the need for an outlet to express my highs and lows of life as a graduate student, social worker, and infertility warrior, and today, that is what brings me back.

Folks, I am exhausted. I know every parent finds themselves in a place of exhaustion frequently, so I may sound like a broken record. What I do know, is that right now, I feel spent. Done. Want to sleep for a long long time.

I am tired of having to "share" my child with someone who often makes my blood boil (though much less than in the past), even though I know my child needs his dad as much as he needs his mom. I am tired of having to compromise at every turn. I am tired of keeping my cool to be the best co-parent I can, even when all I want to do is yell some choice words to say how I really feel. I am tired of having to tell Soren on Fridays at preschool drop-off that I won't see him until Monday; it makes me tired thinking about when he will start to actually realize what this means and the challenges this will face in the near future. I am tired of feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt about how I spend the little time that I do have with him. I am tired of having to juggle working extra to advance in my career while knowing I am sacrificing the little time I do have with Soren. I am tired of constantly analyzing if I'm oversensitive, not sensitive enough, overindulgent, or too strict. I am tired of worrying about the future and what it holds as our divorce proceedings occur.

I didn't envision this, I didn't ask for this. It has been one year and one week since he left, and as much as I have grown and spread my wings, lately I want to retreat. I am exhausted.

Long-Overdue Update

It has been so long since I last blogged! Uffda! Soren and I have been keeping busy with preschool, work, and Summer fun! He has grown so much both in height and development, it's crazy fun to watch him learn  new things. He knows all but 4 letters of the alphabet and is almost able to spell his name, right now he says "S-O-R". He loves exploring in the backyard, swimming, and bubbles. He is starting to say some 2-word phrases, such as "Want more" and "Mama, Up". He is such a happy, easygoing kid, I am so thankful for this! He loves his preschool and during the Summer he goes to "camp" at his preschool. I send lunches on days that he goes so this has been a new adventure for both of us; so far little cottage cheese cups and crackers have been a hit.

As far as updates for me, I'm still trucking along, one foot in front of the other. I've been picking up alot of shifts at work this Summer so I haven't had as many free days with Soren as I would like. I've been busy with clinical supervision and am half-way done now! I should be done in October 2014 then can sit for my exam. I imagine our lives will change quite a bit once I get the clinical licensure. I plan to try and find a full-time weekday therapy job at that point and hopefully will be at a point financially that I would start looking at buying a home/townhome. These are really big plans that ride on alot of "What-ifs", and this last year has definitely been an exercise in living for today and not focusing on the future as things can change so quickly.

Soren had professional pictures done again this year with Tami Tripp photography. They turned out AMAZING, I'm so so happy I took the splurge! My plan is do this once a year until he starts Kindergarten.

Next will be his 2-year update!!! Gahh, he's growing too fast!!!

Grief

I try hard not to write about my sadness with infertility or personal matters on this blog, as this is about Soren's adventures. However, Soren and I are a family, and as such, the plan to expand our family very much becomes a part of his life and story also.

Today my heart hurts. Infertility is a scar that will never fully heal, even with the cutest most lovable little boy. The idea of bringing a sibling into our family has been on my mind often lately, and with that comes hurt. Infertility was an uphill battle in creating our family, now we have infertility AND a pending divorce. As I watch friends become pregnant with #2, friends that were pregnant when I was also pregant with Soren, I am reminded (almost daily) that this choice was yet again taken away from me. IF I had choice, I likely would have waited until Soren was 4 or so to have another, and I still do very much want that. The reality of this is slim-to-none. Today I am facing the reality that I may very well never have more children...this is a very hard pill to swallow.

Soren is so so amazing with babies. A family in our ECFE class recently had a baby and she comes into our class every week. Soren is drawn like a magent to her, wanting to kiss and hug her. He is a very lovable huggy kid (he probably gets that from his momma ;-), and has already developed great empathy towards others. I know that he would make a fantastic big brother, and I would love dearly to make that happen.

God knows our family's story. He has our best interest at heart, I know that from my little miracle son. I will continue to try to walk in Faith, and pray that God can carry me during the times I fall short.

20 Months!

Growth: Currently 45% for weight (24 lbs) and unsure on height...he definitely is a tall skinny kid and his legs are getting scrawnier. Starting to wear 2T clothes, his 2T jeans he was wearing today fit him perfectly in length with shoes. He is quickly growing out of his size 5 shoes, I need to order new ones ASAP. By the way, this kid's feet sweat like a teenage boy! We play the 'stinky feet' game, and they truly are stinky! I'm looking forward to the sandal days.

Eating: Still loving food, but he is starting to get a bit pickier (I think it's more of a behavioral thing). If I try to feed him, he gets mad and doesn't want to eat it, he wants to be a big boy and eat it himself! He LOVES his cooked vegetables, the other night he ate almost a full cup of steamed mixed veggies! He still loves yogurt and has been favoring 'nanas' recently. He really wants to have what others are eating, especially snack food. He recently enjoys Roasted Garlic Triscuits and Teddy Grahams. He seems to be thirsty all the time and will use the word 'More' whenever he wants to eat or drink. Soren can feed himself with a spoon and fork consistently and has almost mastered using a cup.

Likes: Bath time, Food, MILK and JUICE!, his monkeys and blanket, books (he is enjoying books about emotions or 'word' books. He loves when you use different voices for different emotions/characters).  He enjoys taking things out and putting them back, he has recently enjoyed the process of taking playing cards out of the box then putting them back in, same with crayons. He loves playing 'chase' with the dog (they don't so much enjoy this game), and throwing every.thing. "Moo Moo" the cow puppet at ECFE, car and ball ramps

Dislikes: Limit-setting, getting into the car seat, and any other little thing depending on the second ;-)

Development:

• Speech- Says the words 'Mama', 'Dada', 'Down', 'More', 'Nana' (both for Banana and grandma), 'Papa', 'Bubble', and 'Ball'. Knows many more words just not saying them yet. When asked 'Where is the _____?" in a book, he can point to many things including shoes, cat, dog, duck, monkey, car, goose, and ball. For body parts he knows hair, mouth, nose, feet, and working on eyes and ears. It seems that every day he is learning a new word!
• Motor- Can stack 6 blocks consistently, beginning to jump, can walk backwards, tries to stand on one leg, climbs onto everything, beginning to practice lifting the leg when walking up stairs, can mimic drawing a circle and line, kicks and throws a ball, can scoot on a bike well
• Cognition- He seems to be grasping actual stories more now. In the "Goodnight Gorilla" book, he grasps the concept of the humor with the animals going into the bed. He points to pictures in books and you can almost see his little brain processing all of these cool new things
• Self-care- consistently feeds self with a spoon and fork, almost mastered using a big boy cup, beginning to practice unzipping.

Sleep: Soren had a bout of bad sleep with the recent transition, however he is back to sleeping through the night! Soren and I currently share a bedroom, if he wakes up in the middle of the night, a simple "Shh, shh, nuh-night" will calm him enough to go back to sleep. He goes to bed at 7:30pm and wakes up around 6, then gets a sippy and kinda plays in his crib until 7am. I believe his 2-year molars are starting to come, I can't see anything yet but he has his hands way back in his mouth and is starting to bite again.


Soren is doing well with his dad and I separating. He does not cry during transitions and can say 'bye bye' without issues... I attribute this to Brian and I doing well co-parenting and doing our best to keep expectations and routines consistent. The other moms in our ECFE class say all the time about how happy he is and well-adjusted despite the changes...we really are blessed and I am working hard to be the best single mom that I can be. I looked into an in-home daycare for 2 days per week, however I didn't get a good vibe, so it's back to the drawing board. I'm considering sending him to a 2 day/week Christian preschool that has before and after care options...it's more expensive, but gives me a peace of mind knowing that there is developmentally-appropriate structure and expectations.

Stopping to poop :-)

Chasing the dog

18 Months!

Growth: Currently 44% for weight (23 lbs) and 83% for height. Starting to wear 2T clothes, though we're rolling up the bottoms on most of them. Size 5 shoes.

Eating: You LOVE food! Your consistent favorites are Tator-tot hotdish, Chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes, Chipotle (black beans and all), scrambled eggs, yogurt, chow mein, oatmeal. Also really into snack items including Goldfish crackers, Teddy Grahams, saltines, and loved the Ghardettos he got at grandma's today! Doesn't really seem to enjoy canned fruit, deli meat, or boxed mac n' cheese (weirdo...it's a good thing though). Grandma's cookies are a huge favorite as well, and anything an adult is eating, you think you have to have.

Likes: Bath time (down to twice a week due to dry skin), Food, MILK and JUICE!, your monkey, books (your consistent favorites are 'Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?', and 'Jay-Jay the Jet Plane').  Exploring cabinets, Turtle night light, 

Dislikes: Kraft Mac n' Cheese, Diaper changes, You are starting to catch on to it being 'nap' time and have begun kicking and screaming when mom (accidentally) says the word 'nap'. Being told the word 'no', being held in public (would rather run and explore). Getting your hands dirty via finger paint, play-doh, etc., elevators and vacuums (You want to be held)

Development:

• Speech- Says the words 'Mama', 'Dada', 'Down', 'More', and 'Done' and many others I believe, but just can't figure them out yet. You once repeated 'Thank you' after me, but I think it was just luck. If we count, mom says '1', you say 'ooo (for two)', mama says 'three', you say 'orrrrr' (for four), may says 'five', you say 'en' (for ten). If mom says, "Where is your hair?", you can consistently point to it, we're working on consistency with belly and you think your mouth is your nose.
• Motor- Can stack 6 blocks consistently, beginning to jump, can walk backwards, tries to stand on one leg, climbs onto everything, beginning to practice lifting the leg when walking up stairs
• Cognition- Mimics many things now including using the hairbrush, talking on the phone, putting on clothes, sitting on the potty
• Self-care- feeds self with a spoon if food is sticky, practicing using a big boy cup, pretends to put shirts on over his head

Sleep: You are FINALLY sleeping through the night! You go down to bed at 7:30pm, usually wake up around 6am, take a sippy of milk, and will go back down again until 7:30/8:30. Provided you slept well the night before, you take one 1.5-2 hr. nap after lunch. These last few days have not been good as your eye teeth have been coming in, but mommy is hopeful you'll get back into your routine once they pop through.

 You are still in ECFE parent-child class one morning a week, and you really love it. You have no issues with mommy leaving the room for parent group and are excited to see me when I return. I am looking into 2 days/week preschool.

And some big sadness in our family in the last month...mommy and daddy are getting a divorce :-(. You seem to be handling it really well as not much has changed for you yet. One thing is true, you are still the apple of mommy and daddy's eyes and forever will be.