Thoughts on #2

No worries, take a deep breath, we're NOT pregnant with #2, nor will we be anytime soon. I have wanted to write this post for awhile, it's been on my heart alot lately. As I'm sure most of my readers know, I experienced infertility and went through 2 years of treatments to have Soren. Having Soren was the best thing that ever happened to me, he helped heal my heart of some of the struggles and emotional toll infertility treatments took on me. I wish I could say my heart is completely healed. It's not. Every milestone Soren makes, I wonder if it will be the first and only time I get to experience it as a mother. I try to relish everything with Soren, for fear of not knowing if and when we'll ever get the chance to try for another.

We were in a very fortunate place of having infertility insurance coverage when we began trying for Soren. Each cycle that we did would have cost $2000-$2500 per cycle (1 month), and that's on the low end of infertility treatments! We still paid about $800 out of pocket each month for drugs and co-pays. Infertility coverage is GOLDEN if you've been dealt the infertility hand. Most people don't have it, it's a very rare thing. Currently with my new job, I do NOT have infertility coverage, and I also do not have maternity leave coverage, but could by next year if I opt into the short-term disability coverage.

We are so NOT in a place to be trying for another at this time due to my husband being laid off in a month here (did I mention that yet?!?), and living in a 2 bedroom apartment. There's so many things that need to happen for me to feel ready for #2...house, money saved for treatment, maternity leave coverage, oh and losing about 60 lbs. I want a VERY different birth experience for #2. I know it's no guarantee that losing weight will eliminate my chances of developing preeclampsia again, but I want to try for a non-medicated VBAC, potentially in a birth center. To do that, I will need to lose a lot of weight and begin eating much healthier. So many things feel so far out of reach right now, and knowing that time is of the essence is difficult to bear. I can't just 'decide' to have another, it could take many years for it to happen.

So for now, I'm left wondering and dreaming, but also trying to cherish each and every moment with Soren, not knowing if it will be our family's last firsts.