I should mention a few more things I remember up until I was whisked away to delivery. Up until we were admitted to the hospital, I never really took thought in the fact that sometimes labor and delivery can be a life or death situation. My husband was so freakin' nervous about this from the very beginning of pregnancy, but I was the strong one saying that his ideas were irrational and gave him the statistics. That was, until I found myself feeling on-the-verge. It's hard to describe and some may think I'm over reacting, but I remember feeling so sick, that the thought had crossed my mind. And that I wasn't going to go into the c-section without saying what I needed to say. Hubby didn't know this at the time, but right before they took me to the OR, I remember calling my mom to my bedside and whispering to her, "If anything happens, please take care of Brian and my baby" through tears and shakes. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it. It's not a conversation I wish on anyone.
Alright, so back to the delivery. They wheel my bed into the OR, there's a bunch of nurses and doctors working and prepping. At that point I was in survival mode so I had no time to be afraid. I just did what I had to. They had me sit up on the edge of my bed, and started the spinal. It honestly was the easiest part of the whole deal, it stung for maybe a second, and placing it was quick. Then they had me lay down, and lifted me onto the operating table, which btw was skinny as heck. If I could move even an inch I would have rolled off. I also remember the air in the room being very...pure. It's hard to describe, but I definitely remember the air being different. A couple minutes after the spinal was placed I stopped shaking. It was the best feeling ever. I remember starting to feel cold, so my A-team nurse gave me a warm blanket, and rubbed my forehead...he was seriously the best! I began to feel nauseous too and so they laid a little basin beside my head, but I kept worrying what I would do if I vomited...just turn my head and hope to the high heavens that I don't choke on it. Lucky for me, I didn't vomit. I kept asking where Brian was, and when he would be there, I was worried about how he would handle the environment given he has a needle and blood phobia. I remember the nurses and doctors talking about some ridiculous tv show as they're preparing and performing the surgery. So bizarre. Anyways, Brian finally comes in after what seems like an eternity, and seeing him all dressed in his surgical attire was quite the sight. He sat next to my head and they began. We were pretty quiet, I kept waiting to hear my son cry and apparently it takes longer than I thought to get to that point. Finally, I remember hearing him cry, a very gurgely (is that a word???) cry, and the nurses and dr's saying "Happy birthday Soren!". Then they said "Ooop, we've got a pee'er"....yup, that's right, my son peed on me right when they pulled him out.
They brought him over to the warming table and Brian went over there to meet him. They weighed him, put clothes on him, and eventually Brian brought him over to me for a quick kiss and a picture, then took him to the NICU.
And then I was all alone. It seemed like in a flash he was there, and then he was gone. I really didn't even get a good look at his face. I didn't get to hold him. I couldn't touch his face. I just remember him crying and me saying "momma's here, momma's here". And then he was gone. And my husband was gone. I knew Brian had to go with him, I wanted him to. But I didn't want to feel so alone.
They took FOREVER to stitch me up and get me back into my room. But shortly after they left, my body needed sleep. Per hospital policy, no one was allowed in my room for an hour following recovery as I was being monitored. I don't remember much but I remember being awake and asleep, and when I woke up, I wanted to know where my family was. I think that hour went quick, because not too long after, my mom was in the room talking about how beautiful he was. She said that his blood sugars were low so they were feeding him formula. Hearing that news, well it hurt. Where was the nursing right after delivery that I dreamed about? Where was my experience of him being placed on my belly and me putting him right to my breast? I wanted him in my room as soon as possible so I could nurse him; I knew how important it was to get our breastfeeding adventures off on the right foot. I just kept saying "okay" and I was still in survival mode for him, I wanted him to be taken care of.
Tami, our birth photographer, came back to the room, and bless her heart, showed me pictures and videos of him. She gave me a full report on how he was doing, and said he was showing some signs of retraction while breathing, but that he was starting to get better and they were just keeping a close eye on him. She was so supportive, I needed her there more than I ever imagined. I began to feel more like a 'mom' when Tami showed me the pictures of my son. I saw videos of Brian talking to Soren and holding his hand and it instantly melted my heart. When she came back, my mom was able to go see him for the first time, since they have a 2-visitor limit per baby in the NICU. Tami was my advocate throughout the whole process. She made sure the NICU nurses knew I intended to breastfeed and continued to check in to see if we could get him to my breast as soon as possible.
Brian came back for a quick swig of Mt.Dew ;-) and gave me a kiss, then left again. I wanted him to be with Soren, but also felt like I needed him too. I was blessed to have Tami and my mom there with me, I just felt 'left-out' that others were getting time with my baby and I wasn't. After what seemed like an eternity (4 hours after delivery), Soren's NICU nurse paged my nurse and asked "Is momma feeling up to some skin-to-skin time with her baby?"...I answered "YES!!!!" on behalf of my nurse ;-). The nurses laughed. I was able to switch bras so I could try to nurse him, and sit up for the first time in my bed. I was SO EXCITED and ANXIOUS to finally meet my baby. I remember hearing him crying in the hallways, and instantly knew that was my baby.
It was so instinctive, and so amazing that after only hearing him cry that short time in the OR, that I was able to distinguish my baby's cry. They wheeled him in my room and I started crying, "My baby, my baby".
They handed me to him and I just held him tight and sobbed.
Finally, the miracle I had tried so long for, was finally in my arms.
He felt so right. So perfect. So tiny.
I didn't even really look at his face, I just held him tight and cried.
It was no-doubt the best experience in my life. Soren opened his eyes for the first time when he was in my arms.
He waited for his mommy, daddy, and him to be together before he showed off his beautiful eyes.
I just smelled him, and kissed him. I will never forget what that moment felt like.
I was excited to nurse him, but he was so sleepy, he wasn't really cooperating.
I was okay with that, I just wanted him in my arms. I was thrilled to discover that he was going to be able to stay in my room, and not have to go back to the NICU. Shortly after they brought him in, Brian's parents arrived and were able to hold him. I was in-and-out of sleep, so most of that was a blur.
As far as my health went, it would be the start of lengthy recovery. Pain wise, I felt nothing, really. They had me on a self-administered Morphine pump for the first 24 hours, which was nice. I was nauseous from that and the Mag and vomited a few times. They checked my blood pressure shortly after delivery, and it had gone done almost to a normal reading. Finally. Sweet relief. But the OB and nurses knew that I my BP was only in the 'honeymoon' stage, and it would go back up. I was required to be on the Mag for 36 hours after his birth. My blood pressure did eventually go up again and my swelling was absolutely terrible. I was somewhat worried, but knew that we were on the mend, and that he was here safe and healthy.
Postpartum, and reflections part III coming soon
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