Coming down

I am coming down off of my 'yay-I-have-a-job-our-future-looks-so-bright' high, and as I begin to plan for all the changes that will be occurring, I am beginning to feel a sense of loss. I am so very thankful that I will be working in a job that I will (hopefully) love; that makes leaving Soren a little easier. But as I begin to think about our new reality, my heart begins to break. It seems like we have just now fallen into a routine that works for us, and it will be abruptly disturbed.

The first week I start, I will be working 7 days straight for training. Then a bunch more. There will not be an easy transition period for us. I will wake up, get ready, go out the door, work, pick him up from one of 10-said babysitters, go home, cook dinner, and try to get him to bed shortly after. No more daytime cuddles, walks, swimming pools, nursing sessions, giggles, etc. My head spins and heart aches thinking of all the little things like who will take care of him, how can I teach them his quirks, how will anyone know how to meet his needs like I do? I don't even fully know if he has fallen into a typical afternoon nap and eating schedule, so how will I convey that to others? I am anxious about how I will be able to pump at a new job, how will I advocate for myself to get the time that I need to do so without starting off with a bad 'reputation'? My husband will be taking on a lot more of the caretaker duties now (which in all reality will be a good thing), but then I wonder if he knows just how much of a change to expect.

And then it will all change. December is going to be horrendous. It will be the busy season at my husband's job (he most likely prints all of your Shutterfly and Wal-mart holiday cards), and he will eventually need to work additional days. My schedule is going to be so crazy and sporadic as well. January should begin to feel calm once I have completed training and my husband goes back to his regular schedule.

I'm beginning to want to hold him tight and never let go. How do women do this? I know millions do it every single day, and they adjust, but how? How can I feel better knowing that others will be raising my son?